"Singing songs- -that Voice never share - No One Dare
-Simon and Garfunkle
And he turned to the crowds and open his mouth and he spoke to them in parables, lest the people understand and turn and repent.
I've Seen the Junkeys - I've Seen It All
I've seen Religion - from Jesus to [STEPHANIE MILLER 6 AM Weekdays]
Now the Walrus and the Carpenter were Best Friends. You know - - kinda like Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, or Frankie Lee and Judas Priest, - - or Pat Garret and Billy the Kid. Well, perhaps those aren't the best examples but you know what I mean. You would see them together hanging out at the beach, or any place else. Unfortunately some people are confused about they because they got poor marks in Literature class in High School because they didn't read the material. Therefore some of these peoples' subsequent conclusions are flawed, even in certain song lyrics they were later to write. It's not that either the Carpenter or the Walrus were insensitive to the feelings of others whom they felt were in need to treat to some basic training road work out, it's just that sometimes, like Homer Simpson, their bodily impulses would over-ride and just- - take over. But in the course of time they saw each other less. And in the past three years the Walrus has hardly mentioned the Carpenter once in conversations. It was like he no longer knew him. Now the Walrus fancied himself to be an all around Nice Guy. But he had a bad habit of Deceiving people and leading them down the garden path, and then Abandoning them.
The Walrus was in police custudy in handcuffs being escorted by an officer of the law dressed mostly in black. They enter into the outer office of some building. Raphael: Just sit here and I'll tell God the prisoner has arrived. Over the intercom we hear "Raphael, bring in the prisoner" and they go into the next room. God: I don't mind telling you you are in serious trouble. Certain accusations have come to my attention against you. Certain people think you're a little flakey and certain lies have been told about them by you, causing them to lose all their friends and be thrown out of the social circle. Some people think that you're a "Day Tripper". Would you know anything about that? The Walrus: Look I resent being arrested by this officer here and frankly I deserve to know where I'm being held. God: Actually, you are dead right now. This is the land of the dead. You're not afraid of death, are you? The Walrus: Look, this arrest is an outrage. You know it and I know it. God: That's why I thought I might soften the blow a little by having you arrested by Raphael, since he's an old friend of yours. The Walrus: "I've never seen this guy before in my life". God: You knew him as Toby. Remember The Walrus: Even though I've never seen you before (looking at Raphael) your face looks familiar. I know, I've seen your face on one of my brother's record albums. God: No - - that would be Buck Dharma of B O C. Raphael here adopted an avatar kind of resembling Buck. The Walrus: Hey look, I'm not into Hinduism or nothing. God: Do you remember the day Toby died? The Walrus: "No but I'm sure it was a very sad day. My condolences". (address to Raphael) "By the way, what's up with the black? God: Raphael likes wearing black. Guy Owens has seen Raphael many times wearing black. The Walrus: I don't know. Seems a little inappropiate decore for heaven, if you know what I mean. God: Your brother Guy is puzzled why Raphael here doesn't look exactly as Guy remembers him from the time he knew him in Hamburg when he was alive. He still doesn't realize he's an avatar The Walrus: Look, as far as all this Hundo what's-it you're talking about I really don't - - . Just then the phone rings. God: You'll have to excuse me I have to take this call. Raphael, have the prisoner sit over there on that bench. Raphael: Come with me. The Walrus: Raphael, huh? Is that a Biblical name? Raphael: That all depends on what denomination you are. Are you Catholic? The Walrus: No. Raphael: Then for you Raphael is not a Biblical name. Just then Allicin Sweeney walks in. Alicin: "That isn't Raphael". God: Alicin, shouldn't you be doing your soap opera? Alicin: "Actually with all the employee cuts on the show lately I was protecting myself by getting a second job". God: They must really be desperate around here to hire you. It's all those senior employees leaving because of the stock market falling. They're activating their Golden Parachutes. Alicin: (To the Walrus) "That isn't Raphael". Raphael: (to the prisoner) Just sit down here and wait, OK? The Walrus sits down next to a long man reading a paperback novel. The Walrus looks at the cover. It's "The Hound of the BOSC-ervilles". "Oh, I see it's put out by Lear publishers. They must have gone out of business. Jim speaks: Oh, I see you're interested in this novel. It's really pretty good. It's just a paperback I bought at the local five and dime. (addressing the man on the bench) What is your name? Jim: Jim Younger. I know being arrested is a hassle. I just got out of prison serving a long sentence a year or so ago. Let me tell you life on the outside isn't what it's cracked up to be". The Walrus: I never thought about that. Jim: I have an older brother who got out of the whosgau the same time I did. The Walrus: If you don't mind my asking what year is this. I seem to have lost all track of time. Jim: This is 1902, of course. Time isn't all that important up here. The Walrus: If you don't mind my asking what landed you in prison in the first place. Jim Younger: I really don't want to talk about it. Why don't you ask my brother. He'll tell you". The Walrus: "Jim Younger, huh? You seem like a nice guy. Tell me- - if you've had trouble getting settled you can move in with me and my wife till you get your life settled. We have an extra bedroom. All I have to do is get my drums out of there". Jim: I'm not really sure that's possible. You see I kind of took things into my own hands. That's why I'm here now. The Walrus: "I'd like to hear about it. Tell me- - " Raphael: Allright you with the tusks, come with me. The Walrus: I don't have tusks. Raphael: Yeah, and oysters don't have feet. Tell it to the Judge. God: (to the Walrus) Sit down, relax. I thought we'd use this time before the other people arrive for the hearing to get to know each other a little better. The Walrus: "Well, far be it from me to turn down a conversation with God".
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This is the end of side one. This is a vinyl audio recording. Had you not been so cheap and bought the CD this recording would not be interrupted here. Actually I'm including material in the middle of the file but later on I'm going to leave out a certain ammount of contraversial material twords the end, which is a little boring anyhow- - - . Turn the record over. This is a recording - - This is a recording - - - This is a re- - - - -
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God: OK just take a load off and make yourself right at home. I want you to feel comfortable. Can I get you anything to snack on, perhaps some coffee or - - The Walrus: Some herbal tea might be nice. God: We don't use the T word around here. How would you like some coffee? The Walrus: Coffee makes me nervous. God: Why doesn't that surprise me? We have Defaf. The Walrus: Decaf will be fine. Do you have any cream. I don't take sugar. God: That's just like your brother. Actually I've got powdered coffee creamer right here. The Walrus: Don't you have any real Cream? God: Oh, we don't use dairy around here. We all gotta watch our health these days. The Walrus: Oh right- - sodium cassonite is so much healthier for you than fresh whole milk from Altadina Dairy. God: Did Jim Younger tell you that he had a younger brother who died of TB? The Walrus: "Jim had a - - - Younger brother?" God: Oh "Younger". I get it. You made a funny. The Walrus: Jim Younger died of poisoned tea?" God: No. While we're on the subject - - how do you feel about tea baggers. The Walrus: I'm 100% in favor if that. God: Personally I'm not into sexual perversion. Uh - - - how you think your Carpenter friend feels about tea baggers? The Walrus: Say, this cup of coffee is really great. I'm pleasently surprised. This is the first cup of coffee I've had that hasn't tasted like crap in ages. God: There's the jar. The Walrus: It says Osirus 56 corporation. It must be a new outfit. I've never heard of them. They do a really good job of sprucing up the flavor. God: That's what they pride themselves on. The Walrus: What's over in that big box? God: Oh It's just a bunch of junk I've been meaning to get rid of. The Walrus: Can I look through it. God: Fine with me. The Walrus goes over to the big box and starts pulling things out. The Walrus. There's a lot of really nice, old, framed portrates in here. These have gotta be worth something. - - - The Walrus pulls out a fairly large framed picture of the Carpenter and stares at it. The Walrus: Gee, the glass is busted. God: There's a story behind that picture. The husband smashed it over his wife's head during a bad marital dispute in the fall of 1953. The Walrus "Why, that was nearly sixty years ago. God: Well you know how it is. Everybody gets a little behind in their domestic chores. The Walrus: Uh huh. God then begins speaking in French for the next couple of minutes. God: You know he had a French wife and she was a real whore. Despite her youth she's already had two kids, and after her husband gets through raping her tonight she will have conceived one more. I have her picture here if you want to see it as a teenager. Her name is Denise. She grew up hating violence and distrusting men. And she particularly hates violent men. - - - The Walrus: Uh - - - God? - - - God? - - - you're speaking in Latin. I can't understand you. God: That wasn't Latin, it was French. The Walrus: It just sounded kinda like the words the Pope says over the Mass - - "Cuesta Amacido Tanta Mucho - - " God: I wouldn't know about that. I'm not Catholic. The Walrus: My brother took French in Jr. High school. My other brother Guy took Spanish. He wanted to take German but his grades wern't good enough. I myself took German. God: Well I happen to know much later on Guy also took German. You know, he's a real Heimy wanna be. The Walrus: How's that? God: Well, in a previous incarnation he was around people who spoke Yiddish all the time. The thing is he doesn't remember it". The Walrus: By the way, who's the teenage chick in that photograph on your desk. She isn't one of the new clients I'll be working with next week, is she? God: You don't recognize her? The Walrus: As a matter of fact I think I have seen her before, but God only knows where. God: You ought to be careful using an expression like that around me. It could come back to bite you in the ass." The Walrus again turned his attention to that picture of the Carpenter. God says, "Is something wrong?" The Walrus: I don't know. Those blue eyes, that drugged out expression, that long hair, that- - - God interjects, "Deer in the headlights look?" The Walrus: You know, I just don't feel as comfortable around the Carpenter as I used to be. God: Do you suppose any other people have picked up on that? The Walrus: I don't - - know. God: I know everything anyhow. The Walrus: I wonder whatever happened to the Carpenter anyhow. God: Oh don't you know? He died in an exploding off shore oil rig in the Gulf. Terrible ending. The Walrus: Well concern for such accidents is all well and good but President Obama needs to know that we Americans don't want him shutting down all these oil wells in the Gulf. In fact we need to open new leases and drill, baby drill. We need to establish American energy independance from the oil sheeks. God: You know, I hear the Carpenter was still a virgin at age 33. The vast majority of scollars say that. Your brother Guy is one of the few people who doesn't believe it. The Walrus: I knew there was Something wrong with him!" God: Then he got in with a bad crowd. He began hanging out with a bunch of drugstore dudes, much against his mother's wishes. She wanted to keep him healthy and clean and would never let anything dirty get through. She would say to him "I know you think you are a Superman but mama won't let you fly, but if you're good, she might let you sing". Just then a red bird flew in the window. The Walrus: There's a red bird in here. God: That's a robin. Just then the bird began pecking out the tune to "Love Roller Coaster" on a little child's toy piano just sitting on a table. God: I didn't know she knew that tune. You know- - she's really a smart bird- - - has a lot of secrets. She's not supposed to even be here. It's autumn. Shouldn't she be flying south for the winter or something? The Walrus: Continue with what happened to the Carpenter. God: Well, ten days later, the Carpenter was spotted at a little spot called Mother Thyatayra's Hen House, in downtown Houston, Texas. And it was kind of down hill from there. From there he met friends who got him into the oil business, and he was really successful in the oil business for quite a few centuries. The Walrus: I guess having a long life helps". God: Do you ever think about what is going on right now? The Walrus: I'm not sure what you mean. God: Well, even things that last a relatively long time don't last forever and when they are gone, what is a person to do? The Walrus: Gee, God, that's profound. God: I guess your Carpenter friend ended up getting killed not that far away- - on a rig just off shore from Bajor, Texas. The Walrus: Excuse me, I think you mean Bay City, Texas. I've toured extensively in Texas a couple of different times playing with my band, and got to know geography there pretty well. God: Oh, it's your first wife who's Bajoran. Tell me, does Texas still frown on inter-racial marriages. The Walrus: I never heard of Bajor, but my geography isn't infallible. Are the inhabitants there black? God: No, they're actually a little greenish. All Reigelians are greenish to one degree or another, some more than others. The Walrus: So, I'm really talking to the guy who created the world, huh? God: That's really flattering of you to say that. Some say I just created conditions which allowed the world to come into being. The Walrus: That's very interesting God: Marcion believes that God created me and that I created the world and that's why the world isn't perfect because I'm not perfect. Marcion is one of the most widely believed theologians in all Born Again Christianity and he doesn't get near the credit for all the influence he's had. The Walrus: How can the Creator himself be a Creation? God: Well I was kind of like the chief Archangel, kind of the heavenly choir director. The Walrus: So do you control all our destinies. God: Oh I get credit for all sorts of things I had nothing to do with. I rather see myself as a person who help direct and focus people's thoughts, so that they are able to better cope with their lives". The Walrus: How come Guy and Al aren't here to speak in my defence? God: Well, Guy had to attend a big sex party thrown at Charlie Sheen's house tonight. And I tried to contact Al but Dick Chaney cut the phone lines and I couldn't get a message through. The Walrus: You know sometimes I think Guy secretly wanted to be like me. Sometimes I even thought he wanted to Be me. God: I've known Guy for 35 years and I've gotten no such impressions about him. The Walrus: Then how come I don't feel better? God: Hell, how should I know? Maybe the coffee disagreed with you. But right now I want to talk to you about Mark. The Walrus: Mark Quakendol? "No" Mark Campbell? "No" God: I was thinking of a Mark or a more Pastoral role. The Walrus: Oh I don't discuss him. My relation with him is a thing of the past. God: You know Mark Campbell hated sheep herders. His whole People hated them in ancient times. It all goes back to a nasty experiance Mark had as a young child when he accidently wandered into a slaughter house and saw the sheep being slaughtered. There was blood everywhere. There was blood all over Bundy Drive". The Walrus: "Hey look, if you're pissed because Pastor Mark used to refuse to perform inter-racial marriages, I never agreed with him in that decision, OK? God: Pike was the first inter-racial marriage Mark performed wasn't it?" The Walrus: "Who is Pike". God shows him a photograph of Pike. The Walrus: "Oh, THAT is Pike. How come I never knew that was a nick name of his?" God: This is interesting you didn't know. I'm going to write that down right now- - . You know- - this is just a bit of spiritual advice, only a suggestion. I think you should study up on the life of the Carpenter like your brother, Guy has. You know, he's so smart on the Bible he could blow any ten other Christians out of the water. The Walrus: I feel really bad about neglecting him. Just then Raphael showed up and chimed in: "Yeah he really knew how to make with those crocadile tears to provide theatrics in front of his disciples. He's a jerk. In fact anybody who hangs around with him is a jerk". The Walrus: "Are you talking about the Carpenter- - - or Me?" God: Raphael don't you have somebody you need to go and arrest and make yourself useful. Raphael leaves. God: He makes me nervous. Law enforcement makes me nervous. Me and the LAPD had a really bad understanding just over 35 years ago and it ended really badly for me. In fact that's the reason I'm here rather than still being on planet earth". The Walrus: I think this line of conversation comes under the general heading of TMI. //// OK we are going to end the story here for now because we've gone on a little long, and bring you the ending another time.
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The program for this evening is not new. You've seen it through and through. Certainly you know your Life, your Birth, your Death. You may remember all the rest. Tell me - - Did you have a good World when you Died? Enough to base the Movie on?
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